You drink the kool aid of my heart
You poke the dead grey seal of my affections
You climb the Mull of Kintyre stairway to my dreams
You are the scones to my clotted cream

And you’re a terrible person
With all your dramatic stunts
How did we end up here?
I guess we’re both just massive cunts

You are the Southend waves crashing on the rocks
The cliffs and crags and divots of this land far and wide
The cemetery on the beach
The black dog licking everything
The lemon tart forever by my side

And you’re a terrible person
Through the walls I hear curious grunts
And how did we end up here?
I guess we’re both just massive cunts

Down by the docks
Twirling your locks
Waving at the sailors
Sucking their big sailor ... sticks of rock ....

And the public toilets out in the sticks
Is where you go for a quick fix
Eyeing up those local tricks
On your knees sucking their hard .... sticks of rock ....

You are the islands of Islay and Jura
With their barnacle geese
A wild hare, skipping through the hills,
With gorse ice cream and daffodils
And curly kale sticking in your teeth

And you’re a terrible person
With suspicious stains all down your front
And how did we end up in each others’ lives?
I guess we’re both just massive cunts

My love for you is like your arse, it’s massive, it’s a smelly farce
Always in use, it’s got a revolving door
And I promise, hand on heart, I won’t tell if you don’t fart
No one needs to know you’re nearly 64